I don’t know if it is because it is the weekend and it is raining and is forecasted to rain all weekend or if it is because I’ve been struggling with muscle spasms in my back all week but today, I’m tired. Really tired.

I’m pushing my brain to function in some kind of reasonable capacity to enable us all to get through the weekend. I need to figure out something for us to do with the boys that won’t involve anxiety and meltdowns but rather calm and peace and contentment and i’m drawing a blank. I’ve got nothing.

The thing is this is not unusual. Weekend after weekend with no school, we are just getting through. We give baths, we go for drives and when the weather is nice, we play in the backyard. But we can not completely avoid the meltdowns and it just wears you out both physically and mentally. My muscles instantly tighten as soon as I hear heavy breathing, growls, foot stomping, leg slapping, the start of crying, or a sudden slap on the head. At least 10 times on a good day, my muscles in my back tighten and I am jumping up to respond like an emergency responder. My back short circuited this week and the heat pad has literally left an impression on my back.

We are exhausted and just dragging our feet this weekend. Our boys deserve more than that, we know. We want to and attempts are made. Two nights ago when my back was better, I got a new outdoor carpet for under our patio table and new matching chairs we got for Christmas. It is colourful and bright and plastic (no strings for Ethan to yank out). One thing it will do is hide the ugly weeds that spring up daily between the bricks in the walkway. I had a yummy BBQ meal all planned and set our table in anticipation of a nice meal alfresco on our new outdoor carpet and sitting at our nice patio table and chairs.

The boys thankfully were co-operative and went outside to eat instead of at the kitchen table but then that carpet was quite a distraction. Ethan saw the faux weave of plastic and was drawn to it to figure out how it works and how to pull out threads. Andy was interested in digging his toes into it like he does in the dirt. The whole time, I was trying to get them back to eating and not at the carpet. John had a work emergency and was not able to join us. I was not able to eat my own food because the boys then began to meltdown and each were delegated to a calm space to get through their meltdowns and my lovely alfresco spread was then cleared away. We had maybe 10 minutes of non-meltdown dining.

My hopes of doing this again with better results were not high and I know, in my heart that I just wasted my mother’s day money on a cheap plastic outdoor carpet that won’t make it 2 weeks let alone an entire summer.

I’m tired. So very tired. And so here I sit trying to come up with a plan to do something nice with the boys to enjoy this weekend and where we may be able to enjoy them, enjoying something.

This is one tough job. It’s a different kind of 24 hr job and my heart struggles with what should be on a few occasions. The rest of the time I am working out what can be our “normal” that is good or at least good enough to get us through. But I am tired.

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